Vomit Blood!

vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood vomit blood

Can I Have Real Coffee?

ClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobiaClaustraphobia

Need to get out of this four walls.
Need to drill a hole through the floor.
Need to break this grey sky above me.

CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffee

To make things worse, its instant coffee....
4 cups so far.

Need real brewed coffee.

2 Yolks A Day Keeps Everything Away

I cracked an egg into the wok for a little sunny side up breakfast.
Oh what delight, 2 egg yolks I find.
A good omen?
Or maybe it merely means that they've fed the chicken fertility drugs.

Ahhh... cynicism will be the death of me.

However (there must always be a 'however')
I choose to believe in the former.
On a day like today,
I'll need all the luck I need.

Overheard At A Christmas' Eve Party.

Proof that I was not too drunk (ahem...) that night.
Overheard at a certain Christmas' Eve pary (not that I have a lot of them to go to) :

"Got fingers enough already la",

Please correct me If I am wrong.

Merry 'finger licking good' Christmas.

ps: the above mentioned quote may or may not have anything to do with anyone dead or alive, and if it is, it is a pure coincidence that what I wrote reflects the utterence of that said person (who may, or may not be alive or in existence) who may or may not have too much too drink for the night. Cheers.

Sociophobes Anonymous

I'm thinking of setting up a support group for sociophobes like myself. Maybe that way I can meet more people like me who really couldn't give a shit.

But then again, I'm thinking. The participants' sociophobia would probably deter them from wanting to attend such social groups... even if it is a support group. That means I'll probably be the only person in the group... or rather, un-group.

me: Hi, my name is chi... I am a sociophobe...

There will be no 'Hi Chi!'. There will be no applauses. Everyone will be sitting at home sulking about what boring lives they lead.

There you go...11 more steps to go.

A Letter To Penny

Dear Penny,

I hope this letter finds you in good shape. How are you doing? I am doing great if you want to know. The doctor told me that I'll be ready to leave in a couple of weeks if I keep up at this pace. If not for the grey that's painted on this sky above me, the doctor reckons that I could have left earlier. But it's alright, after so many months in this place, I'm beginning to like it already.

I've not heard from you for quite some time now. Are you alright? But then again, its probably because I've not written for so long now. I don't blame you for not writing. You can't keep on writing about how busy work is, and how you have no time for anything else all the time. Hey, don't be mistaken... I'm not saying that your letters are boring, If anything I would still like to receive your letters even if all you do is repeat yourself. All I'm saying is that I understand the predicament you are in and it is fine with me.

I've stopped hearing voices already and I sleep like a baby nowadays... even without medication. Over the past couple of weeks, I've developed some rather green fingers. Mr. Nathan, the caretaker of the center, has taken a liking to me and was sharing his passion of growing organic vegetables with me. He allocated a small little patch of land for me to grow my own vegetables. My cucumbers, carrots, cabbages, and brinjals are all growing real fine. The only problem is that, I probably won't be able to see them ripe... by then I'll be out of the center. Nonetheless, the gardening has done me lots of good. I've never felt so alive before, working the land is very hard work and I believe the work would be enough exercise to last me an entire life time.

I reckon I'll see you in a week or two. Would you still be busy then? I hope you are not as I am looking forward to spending time with you. I've seen you for so long now, I wonder if you look any different than before. Maybe you should come visit me once before I leave this place (somehow you've never visited me here), then you can lay your worries to rest and know that I am not in such a bad place after all. Maybe I'll show you my vegetable patch then.

I look forward to hearing from you...

love,
from whom it may concern.

Filmmakers Anonymous Step 1/12

A Divine Intervention

Hundred and one blogs
Wow, It's unbelievable
This long I lasted.

Anyway, I was having an extremely depressing weekend. Out of nowhere; on Monday, I found this little 1 and quarter inch x 3 and half inch card that says the following:

This is just the way you are, and it's fine.
Do not fight it. Let yourself feel however you feel.
Just stay aware of your thoughts and feelings.
Embrace them, do not judge them.
You are healing, growing and making progress.
Remember to be easy, loving and slow with yourself.

I don't believe in cheesy inspirational thingamabobs... but I take this as a divine intervention.

PS: I still have no idea where this card came from.

To Whom It May Concern

This came by a little too late.
A random walk around the city tonight I will take.
'Kaze Wo Atsumete', I'll gather the wind under my wings.
Yet I lack wings... these incredible means of propulsion.
Only hands... such shameful means of manipulation.
One would say that I am being overtly melodramatic...
But melodrama has no place in a reality stained with (dare I say it...) meloncholy.
I once did a test on my temprement...
It says that I am 'meloncholic'.
Greatest discovery of the 21st century. Bring out the champagne and caviar.
We'll have a jolly good time while I wallow in my newfound meloncholy.
Did I just spend a good 5 hours of my life just to find out that I am... meloncholic.
It was then when I realized that tests are for idiots
Since It doesn't take a genius to see me as such.

So to whom it may concern,
Please bear with me, as I seek ways in which to bear with myself.

Sincerely,
me.

How Now Brown Cow

What to do?

Left? Right?

Left of the right, right of the left...

Right to the left, left to be right.

Maybe I'll merely stop

And take up a factory job.

A Note To Self

Note to self : stop visiting the Paradise Forest Weblog

Heartbreaking is having the conscious knowledge of losing something eternally and having a deep longing for it simultaneously.

(Rewind / Fast Forward) Beautiful Strange

I was asked how does one get to Luang Phabang, the most beautiful place in the world...

Suddenly in my head I have this temptation to recall 'Beautiful Strange', strange misadventures in beautiful indo china. So, what I did was in the most succint manner, dissect my entire route, and images and recollections of these places begin to project themselves vividly in the cavity of my universe... this indo china shaped hole.

bus to penang - train to bangkok - train to poipet (cambodia border), get pickpocketed - minibus to siem reap - bus to phnomphen - bus to battambang - back of pickup truck to poipet - train to bangkok - train to vientiene (laos) - bus to vang vieng - bus to luang phabang - bus to vienteane (to get 30 more days at border) - bus to luang phabang - bus to udomxai - bus to luang nam tha - bus to nong khiaw - boat to muang ngoi neau - boat back to nong khiaw - the next ten days was a whole bunch of pick up trucks, trucks, and hitch hikes to xam neau - truck to vieng xai - truck to nam meo (vietnam border) - hired jeep to god knows where somewhere in the middle of vietnam and couldn't ask cause we can't speak vietnamese - mini bus to thanh hoa - bus to hanoi -train to hue - mini bus to hoi an - mini bus back to hue - bus to savanakhet (laos) - bus to pakse - truck to ubon ratchatani (thailand) - train to bangkok - flight back to kl.

Madness... these images play in my head now... I yearn to return to Luang Phabang... maybe you would like to come along?

Good night, may your dreams tonight generate fascinations of lands far far away.



clicking on the above photo transports you to 'Beautiful Strange'.

The Insomnia Series : Part One

In the past couple of nights, sleeping posed to be a problem. I've lost that ability to fall asleep the moment I hit the bed like I used to. Tonight is not an exception.

I roll around... I trash around... This 'sleep' thing I've heard about... where can I get some.

It is so elusive... It avoids me.... at the mention of my name, it runs away at great speeds.

Zoooooooooooooooooom.

Please come back to me. Batty, I might be... but I am not a bat. I need my sleep in the twilight hours.

Does that explain my incoherence in the time of light. Is that why the words that are coming out of my mouth is out of sync with the movements of my lips. (and you wonder why this blog entry makes no sense at all)

Excuse me, there's a rat in my bowl of soup. Won't you stir it with your broom and add a capsicum to it so it might have that wonderful cola taste without the sugar. That way maybe we can get together and build a large empire in our little closet so we can haul up all the queen's jewels. If we're lucky maybe we can sell them off to that man who lives across the street who lives with his cats, maybe that will stop his dogs from barking.

Excuse me, did I cease to make sense once again... congratulations, I'm sorry.

How I long to sleep...

Un/Real

Believe in your dreams, and I don't mean 'dreams' as in the kind where you aspire to do or be something. No, not that crap.

I'm talking about the dreams that comes creeping into your head univited while your eyelids come together and sends your body into temporary slumber...

Shhhh... shhhh.... be very quiet or you'll wake me up.

Please be quiet... I don't want to wake up. Given a choice I'd like to lull in eternal slumber. My real life is such a nightmare, I often confuse my waking and moments of slumber.

Shhhh... shhhh.... be very quiet or you'll send me to sleep.

But then again... If you're going to be very noisy, maybe I'll wake up from this nightmare.

Maybe we've been wrong all this while... maybe the real world lies in our dreams, and what we live in is a perpetual dream (or for some of us, a perpetual nightmare). Have we grown so attached to this dream that we embrace this as reality? Maybe the real world begins only when we fall asleep... In which case, the process of falling alseep is actually waking up to reality.

Make some noise... I want to wake up now. Or in your feeble understanding of the truth... I want to fall asleep now...

I want to sleep eternally.

To wake up.

shhhhh....

Meet Charlie!

For my mom's birthday
We got her a tabby cat
I named him Charlie

Margaret Cho - These Christian Groups Have Lost Their Minds.

"they have no rights to call themselves Christians, because they have no Christianity in them. They have no kindness. They have no compassion, no charity. I want Jesus to come back and say 'That's not what I meant!' "

disclaimer : The above post does not represent my ideals of all christians... well, most, but not all. I still find Catholics and some protestants I know to be pretty cool people. You know who you are.

ps: Over the past couple of days, I've been obsessed with Margaret Cho who I think is the funniest person alive. Thanks to the 'orang utan hunter' whom introduced me to her.