Tomato, Tomato.

Non-conformism is bullshit...
Those who attempt to not conform usually ends up conforming to a lifestyle dictated by non-conformist standards.
Potato Potato.

5 Ontological Queries

1) Do I exist in a metaphysical space? Or is it the ideal of me that manifests itself in a metaphysical space?

2) Do I exist purely for the purpose of my own awareness?

3) If the answer to the above question is 'Yes', does anything exist outside of my active field of vision? Is it necesary for anything/anyone else to exist beyond my field of awaness?

4) If the answer to the latter portion of the above question is 'Yes', wouldn't that be a complete waste of resource?

5) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Forgetting frangipani scented days
To forge upon separate ways.

A Recollection Of Another Dream

A strange buzz interrupts my beautiful Saturday afternoon... Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... From the corner of my ears I can tell that its coming from my backyard. Its peculiarity draws me to it... Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

I walk out to my backyard. Lo and behold, lies a hole about 1 feet in diamter bored smack in the middle of the grassy compound. I peered into the hole. It's dark, it's damp, it appears to be an abyss that falls into eternity. I am tempted to jump into the hole, but am wary of my pre-existing theory on the abyss (I'd figured that to fall into an abyss would not be any fun, since it is never ending, that would mean I will never stop falling. I can scream my lungs out, but I'll probably get bored after some time, to be perpertually falling), which keeps me a safe distance from the hole.

As I back off... A stream of worms, slugs, and whatnot slithery organisms begin to gush out of this hole. When I say 'gush' I really do mean gush. A fountain of worms and slugs, and very soon a plethora of insects and very soon... snakes, spew upo into the air a couple of meters high as they begin to infestate my backyard. As disgusting as it may be, I can't help but be fascinated by this fountain of life that lies before me.

Very soon, the organisms spewing out of this fountain become more and more complex... small mammals, birds, small reptiles begin spewing out of this hole. In this mumbo jumbo of life, an occasional marine animal can be seen swimming in this fountain which is now so compact, it becomes almost fluid.

Burmese pythons, wallabies, dragonflies, terrapins, koala bears, cockatoos, pangolins, mousedeers, siamese cats, chinhuahuas, birds of paradises, painted terrapins, aisatic sun bears, porcupines, ravens, false gharials, tarsiers, etcetras.

They just keep on coming, so many species I can't even identify them. I call up all biologist, zoologist, primatologist, marine biologists, and every other 'ist' friends to come witness this spectacular spectacle. Some slams down their phones on my in disbelief, some comes with their notebooks and cameras... some even came with their sampling kits (which they soon realize was completely useless since there was so many specimens available and yet so little sampling test tubes, one of them actually went into so much headache as to which ones to sample that he resorted to emptying out what he thought is probably unimportant and filled up the used oneswith new samples only to realize that the ones thrown out are just as important.... quite a number of scientist lost their minds that day... but however, for any scientist, any sort of data is precious, so they're not really complaining)

Then the bigger animals start appearing... bovine species, large mammals and reptiles, primates, and large marine animals.

Leatherback turtles (much to the amazement of the marine biologist), llamas, mountain gorillas, african buffaloes, mountain goats, bearded pigs, an adolescent sperm whale (which the marine biologist pointed out 'thank god its just an adolescant, by the way... what are we gonna do if an adult blue whale pops up?), kangaroos, giraffes (of which made the most dramatic appearance... its neck raises slowly from the hole, as if standing on a mechanical rising platform though the truth really is that, its heavy lower torso is actually stuck in the hole. But as its body plugs up the hole, all the animals below it begin to build up, causing pressure to build below it... As the pressure becomes to high, the giraffe gets blown out of the hole with great force and sends it flying up into the air hundreds of meters up. We panic as we figure out how to break the giraffe's fall, but its alright since it landed on the cushion of animals that has accumulated in my backyard, it was on its feet in no time), orang utans, an asiatic elephant, sumatran rhinos, three-clawed sloths, etcetra.

As exciting as it is, we were somehow glad that the spectacle stopped as the hole spews out a final tarsier. We became worried as we fear such an influx of organisms would have a major impact on the local ecosystem. Then a person came out of the hole. Well, not surprising since if all animals are to come out of this, a human being might as well too since he is also an animal. We were puzzled as to what the hell this is all about, so we approached this person with questions.

Apparently, he's come from an ancient civilization thousand of years ago. It was then predicted that there would be a major catastrophe that would wipe out all organisms in the face of the earth very soon. Therefore a 'Noah's ark' mission was necesary to ensure that life continues from earth. They summoned the gods and ripped open a hole in the time space continuum which allowed all the animals to come into the future from a long long time ago.

We were stunned. We asked if we can enter this hole and would we come out from the very time space dimension that they've come from. He said that it is possible and he'd be glad to give us a tour. So armed with cameras and notebooks, we took a plunge into this abyss.

Next we find ourselves in this lush rainforest where the forest cover is so thick you can barely see through the canopy. The flora and fauna is amazing, very much like the ancient rainforest of Papua New Guinea, but ten times better (actually take that and multiply it by 100 to the power of shit). We walked to a clearing in the forest and finds ourselves on a cliff which overlooks this mysterious karst limestone formation that has features that looks exactly like a person's face... mouth, nose, eyes, eyebrows, and all.

I used up all my film and we all decided to go back to the present. We bade our prehistorical friend goodbye and jumped into the time space continuum rip again.

A cage in search of a bird.

This Is Still Not A Poem

Your golden needle mends the torn fabric of of my existence
Your silver thread contains me as I threaten to burst at my seams
Yet I disintegrate
All that's left is your silver thread
For a thousand years beyond the end of time.

ps: it was your golden needle which burst the fabric bubble of my existence in the first place.
pps: I should have stayed away.

Lompat!

Sepatah dua kata
Ah... mampuslah.
Aku lompat ke laut begelora.

May 13 twentyzeroseven

For 38 years it has been,
They tell me, 'Remember May 13.'
How can I remember when I was never told,
A history now grown so cold.

Everything's changing, yet nothing has changed,
Perfect strangers now even more strange.
Cementing separations on numerous occasions,
Self interest of our superior traditions.

Maybe I'll stab my eyes bloody,
And be blind to all that's holy.
You and me, escape to parallel dimensions,
Peppered with near impossible imaginations.

Evolution

Been listening to the most venerated Panda Head Curry's long awaited album 'One Thousand Homo Humpbacks'... Through the pure genius that is Panda Head Curry, I have finally evolved into a form of pure energy.

So until I devolve from this current state I am in, I will refrain from posting any of my thoughts for fear that my current state of heightened wisdom may fry the average human brain.

In the mean time you can go download Panda Head Curry's One Thousand Homo Humpbacks from http://www.disarseter.com/PHC/album.htm

Goodbye Luang Phabang (reprise)

I've left... here'a a film I made 2 years ago when I last left Luang Phabang...

same emotions...

Beautiful Ordinary

I walk pass the old abandoned hospital in Luang Phabang pretty much everyday and in the same way, my mind passes by it everyday without giving it any thought at all. And in the slowness of my brains it suddenly occured to me that it might make a good photo essay... and what's better is if I involve the photographers at the listening library and challenge them to take pictures in it.

You see, the library breeds some really good photographers, coming back after 2 years, I can see that their work have improved dramatically. However, being in Luang Phabang, a land of such abundant beauty, one is not hard pressed to find suitable subjects for photography. Hence, this aims to challenge the kids to lend beauty to something as ordinary (to a certain extent, ugly) as the hospital.

The winnner gets 25 US dollars... nothing much really, but considering that they make about 30 usd a month, that is a pretty substantial amount of pocket money to play with. So here goes, these are some of the photos I shot with the library's digital camera.

Four Days

One part of me feels that I am ready to go home. To face the realities of existence of living... to work, to deal with family and friends, and all the nitty gritty details of existence. To a certain extent I am looking forward to being home.

The other part however longs to stay here in Luang Phabang for as long as I can. As the week started I am begining to realize that this would be my last week here. The pangs of leaving slapped me in the face. I sip my coffee and wonder where the past 3 weeks have gone to, since every single day of those 3 weeks felt like they never moved at at all. In the slowness of time, it deceived me and zipped by without me noticing it. Further proof that time never runs in a continuum, but rather as collective moments moving in parallel simultaneously.

To make things worse, the two parts of me connected to each other and are running in opposite directions... with this going on, I fear 2 things might happen:
1) These force of these 2 parts running in 2 different directions might be so strong that they break free from each other. Each then running into oblivion in opposite ways.
2) The bond that holds these 2 parts are so strong that when they run so far apart, it becomes taut and could strech no more... the potential energy would ricochet these 2 parts and they'll crash into each other.

I don't know which is worse. 4 more days in Luang Phabang.

Thoughts On Time Travel (part 01)

Time travel will never be realized. I believe if time travel is ever realized in the future, the people then would not be able to resist the temptation of fixing things in the past. There would be a grand send off party for the team destined to fix up the past so things would be better for the present. Then they'll be documented in the past and those of us in the present would have known how great these time travellers were through our history books.

No, that did not happen. The fluidity of time dictates that even before one can change the present by going back to fix the past, the present would have changed dramatically even before the intended time travelled was permitted. It makes no sense. I reckon a common perception would be that time is this linear continuum that had no beginning and will have no end.

My mind of pure genius tells me otherwise, time is non linear, and all the moments all run in an almost paralel non linear fashion. If time really was linear, that it streches from way back and way ahead without an end, the metaphysical space that's available would never be able to accomodate all that exists. No, time is not linear, its just that our experience of the arrangement of time is linear.

Enlightenment...

Jai Guru Deva Om... whatever that means. Though I have to admit that it sounds super cool in a beatles song and I sometimes chant it to give myself some sense of peace.

Finally I have achieved enlightenment, through constant meditation (though not the usual kind) over the past fortnight or so.

The pace here in Luang Phabang is very slow. So much so that I walk slower, I breathe deeper, my heart pulses less, I think slower... pretty much everything I do feels like a Akira Kurosawa film. It takes its time to move, never in a need to rush anywhere.

How so? A typical day here involves me waking up, having a baguette sandwich and coffee in the local coffee shop whilst reading my book; taking a slow walk around town; stopping by the royal palace grounds (which is now a museum) sitting under a tree reading, writing, or thinking... usually I lull around there just gazing into forever; having a fruitshake by the mekong river zoning out as I watch boats pass by slowly; going to the internet cafe; walking around; more thinking, writing, reading; sleeping once in a while; heading to a nice cafe for tea or coffee; sleeping; doing stuff; more walking around, sometimes I go to the library and help out, sometimes I watch a movie at a cafe... Yes, I have to say it is a very hectic lifestyle here.

Such a, if one may call it, 'passive' lifestyle would, no doubt cause one's brain to slow down tremendously. This can be demonstrated in two recent events:
1) When stopped by a stranger asking me for the time, I looked at my watch, scratched my head and it must have took me more than ten seconds to figure out the time... it was 10 minutes to 8.
2) On a night when Luang Phabang was bathed in darkness due to a power failure, I told myself 'Oh, since there is nothing to do, maybe I should get on the internet then.' It took me quite some time for a lightbulb to smash me in the head that the 'internet' requires electricity.

In retrospect, this may cause one to think that my brains have been fried to a crisp. But in reality, this slowness in my thoughts has been a blessing. By thinking much more slowly, I realize that, my thoughts brew, like a pot of soup cooked slowly over a slow fire, and the end result is usually a concoction of ethereal epiphanies on the realities of myself and the world around me, and the way I interact with it. This slowness in a sense, have caused my thinking process to be almost meditative; so much so that I'm beginning to believe that I've reached the highest level of awareness in Buddhist teachings where one is in a state of 'neither perception nor non-perception.' (I may be delusional). Once again in a fight between thingamajigga and whatcamacallit, thingamajigga wins.

Today, I am at complete ease with myself, and for some strange reason for the first time, I feel like I am ready to go home and deal with all the realities that await me. It is strange, but this readiness to go home is usually foreign, almost alien when I travel. This time however, I realize that I am neither a tourist nor traveller, for I am neither touring nor travelling. I lack a route, I lack adventure, I lack all the essential elements that makes one to be travelling. However, this time around, I am a pilgrim. And on this pilgrimage, I believe I have achieved what I've set to achieve.

Things I Want

Here are a list of things that I want:

1)Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami
2)Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami
3)Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami
4)Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami
5)Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami
6)Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami
7)Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami
8)Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami
9)Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami
10)Kafka On The Shore, by Haruki Murakami

That's all, can I please have it now?

Kafka Dreams

I was awoken by my mobile phone's alarm clock at exactly 3 am today when it rang bloody murder. The reason for this ludicrous behaviour was for, ironically, I needed to film an even bigger alarm clock - the venerated great drum of the Wat xieng Moane temple, one of the 32 drums (every temple has its own drum) that reveberates simultaneously in this little 1 kilometer peninular - that strikes every seven days during the full moon, half moon, and dark moon at 4 am in the morning.

The filming was, for want of a better word, awe inspiring. However, it is 4 am in the morning and despite the sound of the great drum still resonating in the space between my ears, I still need my sleep. I said goodbye to my anthropologist friend, whom we shall call Associate Professor Fifi (due to her French connection, and the fact that she really is an associate professor (something i found out today) who is helping me out in this film. From hereon referred to as Fifi) and returned to my room to sleep.

Then the said incident which inspired the title of this entry happened. I had a Kafka dream.

The details was such that I was in Yangon, Burma for the very first time in my life (note this is a very important element, that I am in Burma for the very first time). It was the end of my time in Yangon and the time has come for me to leave. Unfortunately I am an hour short of my flight to Kathmandu, Nepal and I am still not at the airport. So I rushed my way there in hope of boarding this plane though I know very well that I will not be able to board this flight. Suddenly, on the way to the airport, I passed by an awfully familiar grocery store, and the storekeeper said 'Hi'. I went off my vehicle and returned my greetings and realized that I've been to this stall a million times. I Then realized that this is not my first time in Burma.

I woke up.

In A Luang Phabang State Of Mind

I've been told many times that there are many more places in this world than Luang Phabang. It is thus unfortunate that most people are fools (possibly, me myself included).

In what ways is it possible for me to explain to them that this is the place where my heart really belongs, and when one's heart is possessed by a certain entity, one would never cease to draw himself closer to it. I am amazed at how despite being in a land so far away, I can still walk down the streets and not feel like I am in a foreign land at all.

How did this familarity brew when my total existence here at most consisted no more than a short parenthesis in this infinite macabre of a novel that is my life. Even I fail to understand, how then do I expect a fool to do the same.

Do I long to seek these answers or do I rather choose to stay here and romantisize the idea of this enigma.

If only the heightened sense of clarity that fills the air here would be of help.

Where Is My Flying Car

The 21st century has come and is scheduled to stay for another 92 years (if everything goes according to plan). Unfortunately the following items still do not exist...
- flying cars
- floating cities
- teleportation devices
- food capsules
- flying cars that fit into a briefcase
- robots that do all our work
- jetpacks
- effective totalitarian governments
- etcetra

I am utterly disappointed. I want to wake up to the theme song of 'The Jetsons' every morning.

Ricochetted off Phnom Penh

2 days before my intended departure to the wonderful land of indo china, my dad admitted himself to the hospital because his liver was acting up on him again. Gasppppp! Horror! major decisions need to be made as the doctor also told us to 'be prepared for the worst', but a through diagnosis on his actual situation can only be made the following day as he will be receiving a blood transfusion and his condition needs to be stabilised before anything conclusive can be said. Therefore any decisions (on my part) should be made only when a proper diagnosis is done, this decision is made alot more difficult by the fact that I am supposed to be travelling with a friend, whom we shall call 'mimi' for now (well, in her blog i am referred to as 'gigi' which makes us 'gigi & mimi: adventure drama queens'.

Saturday came and the doctor's diagnosis was that my dad is on the road to recovery and would be discharged on monday. My mom felt that I should go ahead with my plans, and she insisted that i carry on no matter what. I on ther other hand decided that I would come back first thing when necessary.

So off I go on Sunday, off to the beautiful land of indochina with Mimi. We landed in Phnom Penh with a great sense of relief as both of us desperately needed this trip as we are going through a time of confusion and is in need to the heightened sense of clarity that I usually find in indo-china to think things through.

It was all rah rah rah and ha ha ha from then on as both me and Mimi (that sounds so super narcissistic... me me me) turned out to be wonderful travel partners and I am really comfortable with her. I believe we brought the best out of each other, though Mimi realized that she swears alot more with me around... fuck, how can that be.

until....

On monday nite at the internet place (a good thing is that we are both internet junkies, so an hour on the internet always follows our nights of food and gallavanting), I received an e-mail from my sister claiming that everything is not as it is perceived to be (especially to me). Apparently my dad took a turn for the worse on sunday morning and my mom mandated that my sisters hide that from me just so that I will still get on that plane to Phnom Penh. I was throughly pissed off, and to a certain extent, I felt betrayed. However my sister claims that the situation is just bad... not getting any worse, nor better...it just stayed 'bad' to a certain extent. Unfortunately having been deceived once left me with very little trust with the people back home. I was furious but unfortunately the situation calls for more panache and getting upset at my mom now is not really an option. Paranoia grew and I was going nuts... however I felt that Mimi does not need to know yet (though telling her the truth is inevitable as it is only fair for her to know my real situation)

Over lunch at a really decadent restaurant the following day, I popped the situation (sans getting down on my knees and ring) to her. However my decision then was to take things easy and see what happens. Life goes on. In lieu of my dad receiving 3 pints of blood the other day, I donated blood to the local children's hospital and Mimi, albeit her fear of the needle decided to do it too in solidarity of my dad's situation (Mimi, if you are reading this, I just want you to know that I was throughly touched by your gesture. I've restrained myself from expressing this gratitude in fear that i would go nuts)

On Wednesday, I received a phone call from my uncle (a reliable source of information) which explains the actual situation which is not pretty... kidneys and liver failing, minor brain damage and minor stroke. I went nuts. My first reaction was to pack my bags, go to the airport and buy a ticket for the next available flight to Kuala Lumpur. That was about 10 am when I found out. Fortunately I did not head to airport right away as I found out the flight was only at 430 in the afternoon. That leaves me with much time to say goodbye to Mimi, have lunch and help her draw up a solo plan on what she can potentially do next. We said our goodbyes in hope that a rondezvous would be possible later in Luang Phabang.

Arrived in the airport at about 2 pm and bought my tickets for the 430 flight. Major drama, I went berserk in the airport and the wait and flight home became one of the most emotionally torturous moment I have ever experienced. My mind was racing as tears roll uncontrollably; attempts to read my book was futile as I find myself unable to read beyond 3 sentences. All I could do was stare at the setting sun outside my window as my starboard side window seats faces the sun directly as I fly down south.

I arrived in Kuala Lumpur with my uncle waiting for me at the airport. He sent me to his house for a shower and some dinner, afterwhich we headed off straight to the hospital. During the long journey to his home from the airport, he gave me a through diagnosis of my dad and the family's condition. I reckoned I would be ready for what I am about to see (which I later realized I am not and eventually went nuts when i finally did see him).

After saying hi to my mom, sister, cousins, uncle, aunts, and whatnots I headed off to my dad's ward.

I held his hand and told him 'Father, I am back..'


PS: at the time this blog was posted, my dad has recovered and has gained consciouness from the stroke. Things are looking up for him and he is expected to be discharged in a day or two.

Reading Kafka

I landed in Phnom Penh... the flight was pretty rough but luckily managed to sleep through it. Reckon I was awfully tired from the past couple of days of rushing off work for everyone else. Sighh...

But until I can honestly articulate the thoughts in my head, I reckon I'll refrain from writing them here. Too much going on in my head right now. Madness. But I have 7 weeks to go... Hopefully that would make for some fantastic blogging material. Gasssppp.

What can I say... I am absolutely startled and overwhelmed. Watch out for this page... we'll see what happens.