The Origins Of Rain

After a few days of working really hard (though the term 'working really hard' is a very questionalbe and objective term. I will still stand my ground to use it anyway), I decided that today will be a day which I shall entitle 'In Pursuit of Laziness: How To Enjoy Life To It's Most Minimum'. Up to now, you must be wondering what the fuck am I talking about. Well... frankly if I can give my days such titles, I don't really need to care about such things isn't it.

Anyway, if that was the title of a book, I reckon it would be a really thin book with lots of illustrations. A person who is lazy enough to want to read a book like that would probably be too lazy to read isn't it... so illustrations would work much better.

I shall call Chapter One of 'In Pursuit of Laziness' (hereon shall be refered to as 'POLIS'), 'How To Do Nothing While Watching TV'...

"If you're gonna be a POLIS, I strongly sugest that you learn to watch as much TV as you can . Watching TV in essence is probably the only beneficial activity you can participate in while remaining in a state of inactivity. While you're at it you can pick up random nuggets of information that, as a POLIS it will cause you appear to be much more intelligent that you actually deserve to be. I cannot further stress the importance of this activity. This will be the only activity that will stir your mind to work and absorb knowledge while at the comforts of your couch, as opposed to say eating, sleeping, or holding down a real job (Yes, in future chapters, you will learn that you can actually be a POLIS while actually holding down a real job... in fact a lot of people already do. But being the idealistic bastard that I am, I refuse to compromise on the true principles of POLIS and not have a real job).

"I will now give you an example of things you can learn from merely watching the telly. It happened this morning as I stumbled upon 'The World Of Suzie Wong', a classic 1970s film about an American artist, Robert, who falls in love with a prostitute, Suzie, while in Hong Kong.

"While painting Suzie... she sang a song to Robert which says...



" 'One day... a male cloud fell in love with a female cloud... but female cloud says to male cloud "I no like you, you heart no good". The male cloud was devastated, he went away and began to cry... that's how rain was created. When he cried, the rain nourished the soil, provided water, and help the crops grow for the people down on earth. Then when female cloud sees what is going on, she became impressed. She went to the male cloud and said 'You help people down there, you heart good. Me like you now'... And they rained happily ever after.' And that way the origin of rain'

"Pretty cool eh... though the knowledge gained has no real practical purpose, but I assure you that it would be a piece of information that many will find amusing, in case if you have the rare burden of attending an event that forces you to move your ass off your couch.

"There you go, don't just be a POLIS, be a slightly intelligent POLIS... it'll go a long way."

That's chapter one of the ultimate bumming guide... stay tuned for more chapters of POLIS.

ps: Given that this blog has some Hong Kongese content in it... I would like to dedicate this blog to my favourite Hong Kongese (even though I only know one), the madly irrerevent Cathy Chan.

pss: There is a built in webcam on my new MacBook. Along with that is this software called the "Photo Booth", which has to be one of the most narcissistic tools ever. Being the narc that I am, I took a photo of myself... enjoy.

A Super Groovy Fantastic Euphoric, Almost Cosmic Orgasmic Day

"Perplexed", that's my new favourite word. My trusty Little Oxford Dictionary defines it as...

perplex /insert romanised pronounciaton guide here/ v.t. bewilder, puzzle; complicate, tangle. perplexity n.

There's a definition. Heres how I will put this word into use...

After picking up my brand new Macbook (I feel like such a geek now that I have a laptop) at Midvalley Megamall, me and my dear sister decided to get some yummy cream puffs to go at this little kiosk that goes by the name "Papa Beard".

Papa Beard sells nothing but cream puffs, and according to my sister, they're killer cream puffs. Well, they look killer to me. They've got this machine that basically penetrates a puff pastry with a shiny silver proboscis and injects it with a white creamy substance. They look super yummy (And I found out later that they are super yummy. But I'm not here to tell you about how yummy it is. This is not a food blog. If you want a food blog, visit Honeystar's blog... a dear friend of mine. PS: PY, maybe you can write about it) and since I was so hungry, They packed one separate for me. The other 5 were placed in a nice cardboard box that you can carry around.

As I dug into my first bite, horror struck when I saw how the cashier placed that box in a plastic bag. I became perplexed. Why would someone put a cardboard box packaging that was designed to be carried with ease, in a plastic bag... Worse, the plastic bag looks horrible (don't they all). Why would anyone want to compromise on style. I became even more perplexed.

Allow me to explain why I was 'perplexed', when I would usually be 'pissed off' when I see such atrocities.

That morning, while I was online, my most favouritest New Zealander in the world (though I only know 2 NZers), Tia, asked me a very rare question... "Are you happy today?", to which I answered "I'm esctatic", though I'm not exactly... I further added.
"Almost euphroric
Why....
Simply because you asked me"
which she replied
"Wow it sounds orgasmic."
"It is very rare to have someone ask 'are you happy today?'
Now that you have, I will make it a point to make today a super groovy fantastic euphoric, almost cosmic orgasmic day.
How about you...are you happy today?"

There you go, that explains why I'm 'perplexed' instead of 'pissed off'. Besides one can't break his/her word with a New Zelander... especially not with Maoris.

I then told the cashier to please remove the box from that horrid bag... A string of questions follow my perplexity...
me: why do you still put the box in a plastic bag? This box has a nice handle that you can carry (I gesture at the box)
cashier: (looks at me blankly)
me: why?
cashier: our manager told us to.
sister: Its just their standard operating procedure...
me: but it's pointless to have a box like this if they're still gonna put it in a bag.
cashier: have a nice day (hands me box).
sister: Excuse my brother, he's an "environmentalist".

I can almost see her wiggle her fingers 'quote, unquote' when she said 'environmentalist', but she didn't.

me: i think you should tell your manager that a customer thought that it is really stupid to still put the box in a plastic bag.
cashier: OK
me: have a fantastic day ahead.

I could have said "have a super groovy fantastic euphoric, almost cosmic orgasmic day" to her... but it would have sounded wrong. Instead, I went ahead and had one myself... and my day was exactly like that....

here's to a super groovy fantastic euphoric, almost cosmic orgasmic day.

Just For The Sake Of Having A Blog Entry

This entry is purely for the sake of having a blog entry... that's it.
I don't have anything important to say.
I don't have anything interesting to tell you.
So for today...
Something else that rhymes with 'you'.

Happy Birthday Aung San Suu Kyi. Thank You For All The Gifts.

Today, the revered Daw Aung San Suu Kyi celebrates her 61st birthday (though I'm not too sure if 'celebrate' is a correct term... given the circumstances)... Unfortunately, she won't be blowing any candles... unless if the Junta decides to buy her a cake. I highly doubt that would happen.

Who the hell is Aung San Suu Kyi... well, I'll skip the facts (you can wikipedia it yourself) and go straight to what she means to me. When I knew about ASSK... I reckon I was about 14. It was through her that I learn that not everyone who is in prison are 'bad people'... If there's anything else that I learnt was that sometimes the people who put the so called 'bad people' in prison are the real bad people themselves.

Despite it being ASSK's birthday, I find myself showered with gifts these past 3 days. Not really gifts actually... more like random acts of kindness; which when received unexpectedly are the kind of things that you'll cherish for as long as you can remember (sounds redundant, but I forget easily). Little gems that help keep the world in perspective... that the world is not as fucked up as I would think it is.

Here are exact accounts of these random acts of kindness...

Saturday, 17 June 2006
I was in Central Market hoping to catch a free dance performance by friends of friends. Unfortunately, the traffic was horrible that day and I missed the performance completely. On top of that, being in a bus for an hour straight calls for some serious bladder emptying. I rushed to the toilet when I arrived. Alas! No coins, all I had was a RM 10 note and the entrance fee for the toilet was 30 cents (I think I need to review the phrase 'the entrance fee for the toilet'. I made it sound like some theme park. But then again, in Malaysia, toilets can be just as amusing as theme parks). The attendant had no change and stared blankly at me... I stared back at him with an agony in my eyes. We could go on forever, staring back and forth... fortunately a nice samaritan behind me tapped my back and told me that he'll pay for me. I thanked him and zoomed straight into the toilet. I know I should have said more than just 'thank you', but unfortunately it was either that or me wetting my pants. So, between bad manners and embarassing myself, I unfortunately chose the former.

Sunday, 18 June 2006
I was supposed to go to the Chinese Assembly Hall with Mien today to celebrate Aung San Suu Kyi's birthday. Unfortunately, I was struck by the bug and wasn't in the mood to spread my lovely disease. Later that night when I went to see Mien for our location recce (Mien's producing my next film 'While You Were Eating') , she gave me an Aung San Suu Kyi t-shirt. It was really sweet of her, considering the fact that I am not paying her for producing my film... heheh. Can't help it, no budget... no financiers... So anyone who's reading this post right now is welcomed to finance my next film. I don't need a lot, it's just a 3 minute film.

Monday, 19th June 2006
I wore the AASK t-shirt today in conjunction with her 61st birthday, even though I was stuck in my studio all day long by myself. After spending almost 12 hours cutting a music video, I am stressed as hell and my head was standing by to spontaneously combust. A remedy was to go to my once regular Starbucks (I think I've not been to this outlet for about 3 months now) for a much needed iced hazelnut latte. I walked in and everyone was so surprised. "Where the hell were you? We were thinking if we should dispose your tumbler already" (yes, I have my own reusable tumbler there because they prepare iced drinks in horrible disposable plastic cups), one of the barista says. Glad to see me again (I am trying to not spoil the moment with my cynicism), she prepared a cup of iced hazelnut latte for me... on the house. That was really nice of her. I wanted to dwell on musing "Do I deserve so much kindness", but I thought "what the hell', and just sat down, enjoy my coffee, and read my book (A Long Way Down, by Nick Hornby... funny as hell). A night well spent and not a dollar spent.

That's about it... that's as much kindness as I can deal with... anymore and I think I'll morph into a carebear (which is not too bad actually). Given all the random acts of kindness, I reckon maybe I should go buy lottery tomorrow... but then again, maybe I should just simply be a nicer person tomorrow. Or maybe I can do both... well, whatever. Happy Birthday Aung San Suu Kyi, thanks for everything.

Are Lizards Religious?

It's a friday and I am bored as hell... It's absurd that I should be blogging at this time of the week. But then again, It's not like I usually have a life anyway. It's just that being the World Cup season, I've become a football widow, and worse of all... I've lost telly priveleges since football reigns supreme for the inhabitants in my house.

And to make matters worse, I am about to impose on you a completely irrerevent question... Do lizards pray?

A couple of nights ago, in the midst of my intelligent conversations with my sister (which topics range from the absurd to the ethereal); She suggested that I wake up at 6 AM in the morning to witness a extraordinary event...

The day before, her domestic helper, Anna (who takes care of baby Chloe) pointed out to her that at exactly 6 AM in the morning, lizards come to the ground. Even the ones that are on the ceiling would just drop themselves to the ground when the little hand strikes six. Why would they come down to the ground? According to Anna, in Philipines it is believed that lizards come to kiss the ground and pray.

She wanted me to wake up at 6 AM the next day to see if it's true. I love my sister very much, but sometimes I like to draw the line of that love between the platonic and the incestous (though a lot of my friends claim that between me and my sister, this line is very fine... and sometimes, perforated), so I really couldn't be bothered with waking up at such an absurd hour to have lizards fall on my head.

You may asks 'why don't she just do it herself then?'. Good question. For those of you who do not know, my sister has got an extremely chronic (almost clinical) fear of reptiles and amphibians. When i say a chronic fear, I don't only mean that she screams hysterically at the sight of a lizard or frog, but also at the image of a lizard, frog, or snake in print or on the telly. It is so chronic that she actually gets freaked out by 'kermit the frog'. No, that last sentence was not a joke.

So, since I am not going to wake up at 6 AM in the morning. I would like you. Yes... you... my felllow readers to wake up at 6 AM in the morning to see if lizards actually come down to kiss the ground and pray. And if you do, please do not hesitate to email me your findigs at 19sempilai@gmail.com. I will then forward the emails to my sister.

Your participation in this research will be gratefully appreciated.




Since putting up a photo of a lizard would completely freak my sister out, I decided against putting up a photo of Kermit the Frog. And since it is always nice to include a photo with a blog entry, here's a photo of my sister with baby Chloe.

"Bring Your Own Bag" by Quinn

A few weeks ago, Quinn and I chatted online about her writing assignment for her magazine's website in conjunction with World Environment Day. We chatted and lazy as she is (with a sheer stroke of genius), she cut and pasted the chat window (albeit some editing... i reckon you can't swear on magazines like this) for the article...
enjoy.
ps: article republished on this blog with prior permission from the author, P. Quinn.


B.Y.O.B. by P. Quinn

Let's mark World Environment Day by BYOB - that's Bringing Your Own Bag! Greetings, doctorjobbers, I work as a designer at GTI Specialist Publishers, the company behind this great newsletter.

I was assigned to design new carrier bags for our company recently. You see, we participate in a lot of events and need bags for people to put our magazines in.

On top of that, I had to whip something up real quick in conjunction with the World Environmental Day Special for June's RECESS. I desperately needed something to write about...so I consulted a friend of mine, the plastik fantastik, who is truly fantastiko! This is how our conversation went...

Revisiting Pulp Fiction!

I revisited Pulp Fiction today... what lead me to do such a thing? Well, allow me to retrace exactly how I got to this moment.

Late mid April, I was stuck in the Greenpeace office in Papua New Guinea (which drove me mad) and among the Audio CDs available for my listening pleasure (which was indeed pleasurable) was the Pulp Fiction OST that belongs to Simon. I popped it in for the first time, and like they say 'once you pop, you can't stop'. I listed the CD in my notebook under the page that says 'Music To Look Out For'.

Mid May, I return home to Kuala Lumpur on the lookout for the Pulp Fiction OST CD. Went to my favourite pirates... not available. Went to my favourite CD stores... still not available. I resorted to downloading the songs off Limewire... I quit after a few songs given the high quality internet broadband connection provided by the country's telco monopoly.

Early June... Nichole gave me a private lesson on how to use BitTorrent (and I'm not adding 'if you know what I mean', It is exactly what I said it is). Not only was I able to download one song at a time... I managed to download the entire album...at one go (that's what I call technology), though it took quite some time. I began listening to it on my iTunes incessantly.

Today... I decided to watch the film again. I looked through my old VCD collection and it was sitting there. Along with that there was also Ken's AliG stuff, Ritchie's Chicago, Cath's Kill Bill, and some VCDs which I believe belongs to Quinn. Well, I really do mean to return them... but then again, there's always tomorrow. I watched the film and I laughed my ass off. Or rather (in true Pulp Fiction style), I fucking laughed my bloody ass off. Well, I don't think Tarantino would have written 'bloody', but I reckon if it was shot in the UK, the characters would say 'bloody'... a lot.

It had one of the best openings a movie can ever have....

Honey Bunny : I love you...
Pumpkin : I love you Honey Bunny.
(kisses each other and stands on top of the table)
Pumpkin : Everybody be cool, this is a robbery.
Honey Bunny : Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of you.



Tada da da daa daa daa da daaa (sang to the tune of 'Misirlou')

A Letter To The Good Doctor

Dear Dr. Reza (aka the good doctor),

How are you doing... hope this email finds you well and happy. It is
to my dismay that I should send you this email. After keeping it to
myself for so long, I must at last confess to you an atrocity that
have taken place in Lake Murray after your departure.

I have photographic evidence that a patient of yours, A Mr. Luke
Strandquist, have failed to keep to his promise of keeping his severed
toe clean and dry at all times. On more than one occasion, Mr.
Strandquist have deliberately endangered his toe by swimming in the
lake. Attached is a photo of Mr. Strandquist getting his feet wet in
the waters of Camp Awekaim (aka. Camp Death); one of the many
occasions where this atrocity have taken place.

I hope that you can take stren disciplinary action against this
unbecoming behaviour displayed by Mr. Strandquist. In the mean time,
see you later alligator.

regards,
chi too.



Mr. Luke Strandquist caught red handed swimming in the waters off Camp Awekaim, Lake Murray, Papua New Guinea.



Mr. Xiao Wei, a fellow accomplice jumping into Lake Murray. It is believed that Mr. Strandquist believed he could get away with the crime if it is commited with a Chinese rock star.

The Infinite Porky Delight...

I was at the market today...
The lady at the stall gave me 'that look' as I presented her with a small carrot and a little bit of coriander.
We go through this routine over and over again everytime i buy from her stall. "Why do you bother cooking for yourself... just go to the restaurant and take away." she'll advise me.
I'll say 'maybe you're right...' and changes the subject.

I paid 40 cents (about usd 10cents) for my carrot and coriander and left. It's absurd, but having the luxury of cooking my own lunches makes me feel good.

Here's the recipe for...

PORKY PASTA DELIGHT!
(serves yourself and a friend)

What?

200 gms pasta (any kind... linguine's my favourite)
100 gms minced pork
4 cloves garlic (finely chopped)
1 whole onion (diced)
1 tomato (diced)
1 small carrot (diced)
1 small potato (diced)
1 stalk coriander (finely chopped)
100 gms tomato puree
oil, salt, & black pepper

How?

1) Rub some salt and pepper into minced meat and let it sit for 10 minutes
2) Boil carrots and potatoes in a pot until soft (but not too soft... unless if you plan to feed this to a baby)
3) Cook pasta (Do I need to teach you how to do this?)
4) In another hot wok/pan/pot (depends on where you're from), add oil and saute garlic until before it changes colour.
5) Chuck in minced pork... Toss until pork is completely cooked.
6) Chuck in onions and tomatoes, toss it for a bit (say 5 seconds).
7) Add tomato puree and some water.
8) Keep stiring until it comes to a boil..
8) then chuck in the coriander. Add some salt and pepper to season.
9) Let it cook for a bit more...
10) Pour it on cooked pasta and put on some fine music in the CD player.

Bon apetit!

ps: if for some reason your religion/beliefs/bowels/ideology doesn't permit the consumption of PORK (the best meat in the entire universe), then it is alright to use minced beef instead. Or, if you're vegetarian... the pork can be replaced with smashed tofu (with a bit of flour to hold it together).

pps: PORK rules!

Leatherback Turtles 'not coming back'

Some time ago, I sent a critical letter to the press regarding Mr. Kamaruddin Ibrahim of the Turtle Marine Ecosystem Center (TUMEC) efforts to revive the leatherback turtle
population.

Our dear friend suggested that we buy leatherback eggs from neighbouring countries and incubate them on our shores... hopefully 20 years later, they'll come back and nest on our shores. Then what? start having tourists back on these beaches to harrass them poor turtles again... I mean, that if it is even remotely possible to bring back the population.

I was aghast that the agency responsible for our country's turtle conservation programme is led by such an uninformed person as Kamaruddin. This is the same person who wanted to build a massive RM 10m penal colony for turtles on an island lagoon 'to protect young hatchlings from predators and ensure their growth to adulthood'.

Mr. Kamarudin, I think you should just return to what you do best... fish farming.

However, the press didn't publish my letter. Hillary (of the Star) told me that critical letters usually don't get published, unless if the section is dry. Ahhh, Malaysia... How I love thee.

Fortunately, the papers did publish Prof. Chan Eng Heng's (a dedicated turtle conservationist & environmentalist) comment's on Kamaruddin's effort. They were pretty much the same as what I said in my unpublished letters... but I reckon, the press would rather have 'qualified professional' opinions. Read the article below. Anyway, I am glad that her comments were published... someone needs to give Kamaruddin a good knock on the head, and I will be glad to loan Prof. Chan 'spanky' for that purpose.



ps: visit Prof. Chan's SEATRU website to see exactly what she is up to with the turtles.

pps: in case you don't know yet... yes I am a turtlenik.


Leatherback turtles ‘not coming back’
08 Jun 2006
By Nisha Sabanayagam

KUALA LUMPUR: It is time to say goodbye to the leather-back turtle. It is on the point of extinction and is not going to make a comeback.

The head of the Marine Turtle Project at Kolej University Sains dan Teknologi Malaysia, Professor Chan Eng Heng, said: "It is sad but we have to face reality. We should not be in denial."

Yesterday, the New Straits Times reported that there was still hope for the leatherback turtle.

Director of the Turtle Marine Ecosystem Centre (Tumec), Kamaruddin Ibrahim, had said that of the half-a-million hatchlings released from 1961 to 2001, it was hoped that some would return to Rantau Abang, Terengganu, in the next few years.

After three to five years, leatherback turtles periodically return to their birthplace to lay their eggs.

Chan said the leatherbacks are not returning in the numbers expected and experts cannot really say why.

The population drop is compounded by the fact that most of the hatchlings released between the 1960s and the 1980s were female, a result of the "open air" hatchery practice at that time.

When incubated at high temperatures, leatherback eggs produce females.

Experts are also aware that since 2000, none of the eggs laid on Terengganu’s beaches were fertilised because there were so few males.

Chan said the time had come to consider sustaining the populations of other turtle species, such as the green turtle, and freshwater species like the river terrapin and the painted terrapin.

Jump

For some reason Naomi decides to end her life… she chooses to jump off a bridge

For some reason Akira decides to end her life… she chooses to jump off a bridge

For some strange reason they chose the same bridge.

…

Akira prepares to step up to the ledge.

Naomi sees Akira making his way up the ledge.

“Are you going to jump?”

“Yes.”

“I won’t bother you then. I’ll just stand here.”

“Are YOU going to jump?”

“Yes.”

“Would you like to go first then? Ladies first?”

“No. You go ahead. I’ll watch”

…

Akira steps down…

“Are you sure? I can always go later”

“No… I insist.”

Akira steps up…

“It’s hard to jump with you watching.”

“Should I leave then?”

…

“No”

Ada Apa Dengan Cinta? (What's Wrong With Love?)

Press Statement for KATAGender's Action 01/06/2006

We are here because…

• we want to show our support to Siow Ai Wei and Ooi Kean Thong;

• we applaud their courageous stance and resolve in retaining their right to self-determination, especially on something as private as the demonstration of affection;

• we believe that holding hands, or even kissing, does not constitute “indecent behaviour”;

• we deem that excessive and intrusive control of individual behaviour by the State, particularly under the guise of ‘morality’, is unacceptable;

• we think that we, as civic-conscious individuals, have the capacity to judge for ourselves, whether or not our behaviour will offend others around us;

• we reject laws that validate and enable voyeuristic behaviour by officials in power, or the potential for private individuals to ‘spy’ and ‘tell’ on each other – such laws encourage an environment of mutual suspicion and mistrust, and is gravely damaging to social relations;

• we do not accept the broad, careless and simplistic strokes made by some Members of the Parliament and the judiciary on what constitutes ‘Asian’ or ‘Western’ cultural values – norms, culture and values are ‘living’ concepts that are constantly being developed, redefined and reinterpreted;

• we hold that openness, tolerance and acceptance of diversity and difference is fundamental to a peaceful and strong nation – particularly for Malaysia where there are multiple and fluid ethnicities, as well as cultural values, norms and practices;

• we call for a focus of government resources, energy and attention on more substantive issues that are faced by people in this country, such as poverty, sexism, identity- based discrimination and violence, displacement, quality education, environmental sustainability, good governance and corruption.

1 June 2006